The Lonely Songs: Excerpts 1& 2.

The Lonely Songs are compositions fag-ideated out of others music, songs murmuring towards queer loneliness, bent into my meaning, through looping, layering, repetition, feedback and bodily amplification. Loneliness as something a queer experience in difference and does to themselves in community. Aggressive outward and also inward. I perform myself as me. This performance emboldens the signifier of me yet also destroys it. I am like the others like me, I am nothing like them. The isolating role of the performance artist, one who performs their body for others to view, makes it mean towards something, and uses it to destroy back onto the me concurrently. The outward flow of meaning and its reflexive flow as simultaneous, polluted within each other. 

To ruminate and revel within the wounds of queer loneliness and self-destruction - to refute a ubiquitous and moralised queer futurity, to stare directly into the wound rather than vanish it from view.  

If I take my eyes off of the dead, and away from finding queer mourning practices, what is present in the lived world? I see cold and aggressive loneliness and isolation; I feel self-destruction and a death drive implicit to our liveliness. The fantasy of a queer futurity is pungent, denying that we look at our failings, our pain, or that we dare to sit within them. It demands that all wounds must be hastily covered over, never interrogated. 

refusing the promise of futurity that mends each tear, however mean,

in reality's dress with threads of meaning. (Edelman, 35).

What of the present, the grit, the grime and deeply dark qualities that inform the queer?

I refute their vanishing.